Geri deGruy's blog of art, musings, and inspiration

I tend to live in my head.

So I've been trying to track my thoughts from moment to moment to see what's actually going on in there while I (often unconsciously) zip through my days. I say trying because I get lost in there. It's so familiar to live in my own little "I" world, that slowing down enough to actually notice individual thoughts takes work!

Immediately I notice 2 thinking patterns that have been roiling around in my head for ages. (and ages and ages...)

1. I have a believed thought that there is too much to do and there's not enough time (so I spend brain time planning). Thoughts like:

Time is short.

I'm getting older.

I can't do it all.

It's too much.

These lead me to overfunction and to plan constantly to "fix it", whatever "it" is. 

The deeper meaning for me is that I'm not in control, of life or of death and sometimes that really scares me. It's easier to overfunction than to hang out with that. 

2. I have a believed thought that I'm not enough.

Hmmmmmmm. These 2 patterns form an exhausting positive feedback loop. 

"I'm not enough" -->

Doing more to try to be enough -->

Not enough time -->

right back to "I'm not enough"

Now that's interesting. I'm caught in a cycle of thinking and doing that doesn't accomplish what I hope for, which is a sense of my own value and adequacy and to some extent, power over my life. I can't "get it all done" and what I do doesn't allay my anxiety.

Catching the thoughts and trying to banish them isn't the answer. I'm not a believer in banishing parts of myself. Those parts just hide, then jump out later and bite me.

Everything is useful. Everything is information. Part of the information I hear from these 2 patterns is that I'm running around like a head with my chicken off, trying to not look at my true anxiety. And while I'm doing that, and living in my super-over-busy head, I'm missing life right now. It's a lose-lose situation as it stands.

So here's my plan for now.

1. Keep noticing my thoughts, without rejecting them. Just notice. As Pema Chodron says, "No big deal." 

2. Be with the thoughts and the feelings they stir up. (Just sit still Ger!!!)

3. Come back to THIS moment (breathe, be in my senses, notice what's around me).

4. Rest.

5. Repeat.

I'm not sure what will happen...if the thoughts will go away, transform, hang out in my head as usual, be the beginnings of a musical...??? Who knows?

If you have thoughts on this, please chime in!