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Geri deGruy's blog of art, musings, and inspiration

We Are All Going to Die

Posted on 9/1/2015 10:30:42 AM by Geri deGruy - 19 Comments
Topics: change | distractions | life and death 

 

"Concerning Life and Death 1"

 

If you've seen "What About Bob?" you'll remember this line Siggy says to Bob. "We are all going to die sooner or later - in your case sooner!" They are in twin beds looking at the ceiling with fearful eyes, sharing this truth. It's funny and it's not.

 

We are all going to die. 

 

A lot of the time I whiz through days, doing, doing, doing. I really do try to stay present but my habit is to do. (a Buddhist view of this is that I'm trying to avoid the discomfort of being totally present with real life which includes the fact that all things are impermanent.) Uh, yeah.

 

At odd times, like this morning, I wake up and realize, remember, that I am going to die. It's like being thrown hard against the wall. Looking around, I see people, creatures and nature that I love deeply and know that I will lose them all. I will lose me. It's surreal to think of not-being. Sometimes I throw myself into another activity to distract myself from the pain. When I stick around and feel it, I don't really know what to do with the sadness. I know I will die and be no more - at least not in this form in this time. I used to think I knew what would happen after I died but now I don't KNOW anything. How to come to grips with it all?

 

"Concerning Life and Death 2"

 

Well I don't know.

 

But the one thing these realizations always bring to light is that life is NOW. I am going to die but I'm alive this minute so I want to really live it. I want to be awake for whatever this moment brings so that while I'm alive, I'm alive. 

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19 Responses to We Are All Going to Die

Oh, my. This is a difficult topic. I just discovered your work, which I am enjoying very much. But what to say about the topic? I just don't know. That's the problem. isn't it?
We don't know.

Posted by Katya · via geridegruy.com · 132 months ago

Thank you for your note Katya!
Yes, the not-knowing is difficult. It used to be easier when I thought I knew! LOL. But I'm thinking that living now is the only thing I can do that is in my control. And it's good.
Thank you for your comment on my work!

Posted by Geri deGruy · via geridegruy.com · 132 months ago

I'm curious Katya - how do you think about death and deal with it?

Posted by Geri deGruy · via geridegruy.com · 132 months ago

Most of the time, I try NOT to think about death. Raised Catholic, I used to think I knew what would happen at the moment of death, but now I have many doubts. I do grieve for those who have died much too young. I grieve for the senseless deaths caused by war and famine. I grieve for those who gave up and committed suicide.

Yes, a very difficult topic. Respectfully…K

Posted by Katya · via geridegruy.com · 132 months ago

Thank you so much for your thoughts Katya. I was a church-goer too and thought for sure there was heaven. Now I really don't know anything.

I've almost always thought about death, I think mostly because I've lost a lot of people. But now that I'm getting older, it's getting even more real and unavoidable. It's like before a piano recital I practice a lot so I'll be prepared. As time flies, I find I want to live as fully as I can and if preparation is needed, to do it. But what is that? As you say, it's difficult. Mostly I either can't get my head around it or I feel deeply sad. Meanwhile, I keep working on being here now and life is good. Thanks for you.

Posted by Geri deGruy · via geridegruy.com · 132 months ago

Yes, Geri, life is good. You are brave to broach the subject of dying--mostly not a popular topic; and I appreciate that you have demonstrated your thoughts about death in your artwork. Once upon a time, I was an exhibiting artist for a short period of time, just a couple of years. Among other topics, I began to explore our history (the USA) of genocide but found that wasn't a topic readily accepted by gallery owners/directors.

While we have been having this 2-way conversation, I have thought about expressing my feelings about the topic of death in my artwork. I am a fiber artist and I am unsure how I would express that, but I am thinking about it.

Thank you for beginning the conversation.

Posted by Katya · via geridegruy.com · 132 months ago

I would love to see your work Katya if you are willing!

I just read this short article that I thought you might like and might encourage you to be true to your ideas and vision. I know what you mean about doing work that isn't palatable to galleries and yet I think it's so important we stay true to ourselves and the things we need to say with our art. Hard tho since it is sweet to have recognition as well...
http://www.awakin.org/read/view.php?tid=1089

Posted by Geri deGruy · via geridegruy.com · 132 months ago

just reading comments on Spirit Cloth...clicked you and here you
are. Thinking about death. Thank you so much for
thinking about death.

Posted by grace Forrest · via geridegruy.com · 132 months ago

Sounds like you too are thinking about death. Tell me what's on your mind. And thank you for writing!

Posted by Geri deGruy · via geridegruy.com · 132 months ago

the phenomenon of dying, i guess, really in this moment, how death
itself simply completes the phenomenon of the Act of Dying. trying
to think of a 5 words or less way to say things, but am caregiving, right now, a person i've known for 20 years who i hooked up with Hospice
3 months ago. How we, he and i, have had endless conversation over
the years about his reaching the point of dying, dying in his own home, etc. ... and now, him being confined to a hospital bed, unable
to take a step without assistance, requiring 24 hr a day care, using
diapers etc. having said a trillion times he is not afraid to die....
is now afraid to die. is not at all sure he wants to die, though the
quality of living is nil.
So i am watching this daily, wondering exactly how his death will
inevitably occur. Wondering how i will Really be, with all my buddhist "homework"..... and what homework on going for me will
change that last period of time. All my answers have dissolved and i
am just looking. Watching. i will be 70yrs this very soon birthday
and so move into the realm of Real with it all.
so..just so good to find another Soul that's wondering....

Posted by grace Forrest · via geridegruy.com · 132 months ago

also, how i do talk of this on the blog i do, i am always
hesitant to do that too often worrying that it is a bummer for
people. Being conflicted about this because it really shouldn't
be....it's coming for All of Us
and how to walk in that direction filling our napsacks with every
Joy we can find along the way.....

Posted by grace Forrest · via geridegruy.com · 132 months ago

Wow, well said! We're at that age where the thought of death is a regular companion and one I whisk away at times with magical thinking. But caring for a dying person makes it hit you square between the eyes.

I also practice meditation, do my "homework"(I like that), and yet am amazed at how hard it is for me to maintain mindfulness when I'm in pain for instance. And I too wonder how I will deal with death. Often I do quite poorly simply thinking about not being here, not seeing my kids and husband again. And yet it is, as you say, inevitable. I will one day not wake up to this life and the people I love. Crushing.

I'm reminded, when I think of dying, of the way I felt before I had my first child. I was huge pregnant and the thought of that hugeness coming out of me was so unreal that I couldn't believe it would happen. Surreal. And yet when the time came of course it did happen and I was relatively prepared (altho there were many surprises) and she was born and we both lived through it.

And that's where the similarity ends because I won't live through the death passage... or at least I don't think so. Who knows?

Talking about it on your blog seems worth a try. Maybe people won't bite, but maybe they will. We're all going to die and even tho we don't want to think about it, we do.

Meanwhile I love how you said it - "filling our knapsacks with every joy we can find along the way." Yes. I too feel comforted by our communication and your honesty. Thank you.

Posted by Geri deGruy · via geridegruy.com · 132 months ago

Oh Grace, I just read your blog "heart" and what a wonderful Grace Paley story! Also, don't you love Brain Pickings?!

Posted by Geri deGruy · via geridegruy.com · 132 months ago

i DO love Brain Pickings, Maria Popova, what a mind she has...
and Heart to do the work....
am going to re read your words in this post again later today and
think more specifically about things you have offered up here.
Again i thank you for creating space and place for this conversation...
ALSO, would it be ok if i refer to this Post on the blog this evening?
giving your link?

Posted by grace Forrest · via geridegruy.com · 132 months ago

Hi Grace,

Sure you can refer to this post.

I'm also grateful for this conversation and you.

Posted by Geri deGruy · via geridegruy.com · 132 months ago

so now i am quiet enough to sit with your Art and i nod and
look

Posted by grace Forrest · via geridegruy.com · 132 months ago

Dear Grace,

May you have peace.

Posted by Geri deGruy · via geridegruy.com · 132 months ago

I am drawn into this discussion but how to gather the lifetime of carrying a sack full of fearing death from earliest childhood on and putting it into words and out there for others to read seems like a monumental task. I am so glad/grateful that you and Grace are writing about this. I'm only 59 but that Death Spector is one of my earliest memories. Maybe because I am the youngest of 9 and I have always been aware? that these people that have always BEEN HERE with me will one day not be? I too like you and Grace feel like I have done my homework but am back to waking some mornings feeling EXACTLY as you described it in this writing. ..Hmmmm

Posted by Angie · via geridegruy.com · 132 months ago

Hi Angie,

Thank you so much for your note.

It IS a monumental task to think and talk about death I think. Some people I know barely think about it and then there are those of us who have been trying to grapple with it all of our lives in one way or another.

Have you found ways to "live" with it? What have you discovered in your search around death? I get stuck in a number of ways but as you say, the loss of those who have always been there and that I love with all my heart hits in the deepest and saddest places. I can barely sort of the loss of my self.

Posted by Geri deGruy · via geridegruy.com · 132 months ago

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